Sad Spinsters: Lonely Hearts

At 50, Maryam has become resigned to remaining a spinster for the rest of her life.

It isn’t what the successful government employee wants. She’d rather be married with children than highly educated and single.

She’s not alone in these views. Up to 50 per cent of Emirati women face Maryam’s fate, says Eman Abdullah, president of the International Women’s Cultural Forum in Dubai.

The marriage I want should be based on equality, understand-ing and love – something I haven’t found with the men I have met. Sumaia, 38, Emirati businesswoman

"An educated woman may be successful in her career but not in other fronts, like building her own family," said Maryam, who studied Arabic literature at UAE University and holds a mid-level government job.

"Our society still prefers the traditional image of a housewife whose only role is to run the house, take care of her husband and children and nothing else."

What compounds the problem is that more Emirati men are coupling up with non-Emirati women to avoid the skyrocketing cost of marrying their compatriots, according to Eman Abdullah.

This diminishes Emirati women’s chances of getting life partners from within the population.

Legally, Emirati women are allowed to marry foreigners, but UAE traditions discourage them from marrying expats – only 500 Emirati women married expat men in the last seven years, according to a recent forum.

For Amal, 35, who studied IT at the City University of Los Angeles and manages 35 people in her Dubai computer business, the word ‘spinster’ is a sore tag.

"I can’t accept the idea of being called aanes (spinster). At my age, it’s still normal to get married," she said.

"The nature of my job requires me to travel frequently and meet different people. I visit trade exhibitions around the world. I work hard to present the proper image of an educated and active UAE woman during these trips."

That success comes at a price, she admitted, and it has taken its toll on her private life.

"I don’t know why none of the men I met have ever asked me to get married."

Some women prefer their single lives to bad marriages. Sumaia, 38, also a US-educated Emirati, said today’s women must stand for equality and that it is better to be a spinster than end up being divorced.

"I don’t want to repeat the kind of bad marriage faced by my mother, God bless her soul. The marriage I want should be based on equality, understanding and love – something I haven’t found with the men I have met ."

Khalfan Al Mhriz, Family Counsellor at the Dubai Courts, said one solution is for women to be willing to be taken as a second wife.

"Being considered a second wife has its own complications. They think it opens doors for family troubles, clashes and jealousy between the wives," he added.

Al Mhriz added that society must accept the fact that women are becoming more independent and better educated, with no need to rely on a man.

Raya Al Mhrzi, a sociologist in Abu Dhabi’s Awqaf and Islamic Affairs Department and a member of the Marriage Fund, blamed fairy-tale ideas about marriage.

Women, she said, have become too demanding, and high dowries, lavish ceremonies, clothes and jewellery become prohibitive.

The Institute for International Research, a UAE think-tank, puts the average cost of a wedding ceremony in the UAE at Dh300,000 – 50 times the salary of an entry-level government employee in Dubai.

"We try to convince the families not to ask for more than Dh150,000 dowry," she said.

The Marriage Fund offers Dh70,000 to first-time couples among UAE nationals if their salary is less than Dh10,000.

THE EXPERTS' OPINIONS

The Islamic view

Ahmad Al Qubaisi, a leading Islamic scholar in Dubai, said: "The concept of spinster does not exist in Islam. The Arabic word aanes is used to refer to a female camel who has reached old age. Muslim women can get married at any time regardless of age. However, Islam encourages early marriage as a way to complete half of his/her religious duties."

Al Qubaisi said that getting married and having children is both a pleasure and a duty that completes one’s womanhood.

The doctor’s view

Dr Mohammad Wafeek Eid, a psychiatrist at Al Musa Medical Centre in Dubai, said most spinsters suffer from anxiety, depression and multiple psychosomatic complaints, including headaches, epigastric disturbances, abdominal gases and discomfort. "They tend to be suspicious and they make those around them uncomfortable. They are somehow viewed as abnormal because they do not go through motherhood – spinsters are the object of social pity. They feel they are unfulfilled, incomplete," he said.

The cultural view

Eman Abdullah, president of the International Women’s Cultural Forum in Dubai, said spinsterhood is a "dangerous" phenomenon.

It waters down the Arabic language, destroys local customs and traditions and creates an unstable and unhealthy family life, she said.

The forum recommends that the problem of spinsterhood be recognised and practical solutions found. It also encourages Emirati youngsters to be aware of the importance of getting married to their compatriots.